Chilli Con Carne. Lion and Unicorn Theatre.

“I’m excited to see you but I’m effing furious too” says grieving 28 year-old schoolteacher and short-story writer Ash. Well, what would you say if an ex-lover you had not seen for a decade lets herself uninvited into your kitchen, in the early hours of the morning after your mum’s funeral? Something a bit stronger perhaps?

Stronger especially if the ex-lover in question is Sonia, an emotionally challenged alcoholic property broker with a roster of dodgy oligarch clients and the glowering eyes of a bunny boiler. For ten years Ash gets “no notes, no texts, no calls” and no returned voicemails. Then out of the blue Sonia harries up North to reclaim Ash’s love, armed with a bottle of Pinot Noir, a wail of “you don’t have to be without me anymore”, and an estate agent suit.

At the third corner of this 60-minute love triangle sits Ash’s stoic, family-loving fiancé Tom (Charles Maddison), apparently like all Newcastle men a fan of “fast cars and football”. Nissan maintenance technician Tom is not often sure what he thinks but early on has a general impression that Sonia (Tor Lighten does not appear to blink for 60 minutes) is a “bad influence” on Ash (Sarah Vickers, who also writes). Good call Tom as Ash soon turns out to be the blood-red meat in this spicy dish. Only then, Tom changes his mind and tells Sonia “I can see why Ash likes you so much”. Then he tries to kiss her. Make up your mind Tom. Then Ash decides to kiss Sonia, which one feels is also a bad call.

At one point Chilli Con Carne’s narrative threatens to spiral off into Fatal Attraction territory. Writer Vickers and director Hugo Papiernik dally with it before steering the show back into a kind of queer Geordie melodrama vibe. What one supposes are unintended laughs intrude at various points along the way. Quite a lot of what happens feels a bit random.

The cast give two haunting renditions of the Magpie Song seemingly hinting at secrets never to be told.  We hear Ash’s dad and Sonia’s mum were married at one point to no obvious narrative import. Sonia disappears for two months, unaware apparently that trains regularly run north from the capital. Ash gets pregnant which she is really happy about. Only then she is really unhappy about it.  Ultimately you may not care who ends up with who because very little is at stake here. The ingredients are here, but the chilli needs a bit more cooking.

Writer:  Sarah Vickers

Director:  Hugo Papiernik