The Grotto. Drayton Arms Theatre.

Toby Hampton’s deliciously dark comedy The Grotto is a perfect antidote to the saccharin sweet Christmas tales that occupy many a London stage. A deft and very funny mixture of perverse humour and mild horror the show feels rather like an extended Christmas episode of TV’s Inside Number 9. Anticipate blood, gore, and three impeccably pitched comic performances.

“Welcome To Santa’s Grotto” says the sign on the wall. Sadly, there is not much sign of a welcome in the hearts of Pete (Toby Hampton) and Leyla (Laurel Marks), who are clearing up after a gruelling six-week stint as Santa and helper in the grottiest grotto imaginable. Located in a shed behind Leyla’s mum’s shop, this is the kind of low-budget Santa’s lair where the faux log fireplace rolls up into a tube ready for next year. Formerly a couple, Leyla and Pete do not have much time for each other nowadays. He thinks she is an unfaithful diva with an unhealthy interest in the dishy (and unexpectedly missing) Darren who supervises the grotto queue. She thinks he is a “a big shouty man-child who struggles to get dressed in the morning.” Both assessments are fair.

The couple’s antagonism towards each other is as nothing to their feelings towards Christmas. They loathe it with unbridled passion. Leyla erupts into uncontrollable sneezing whenever thought of festivities enters her head, although it may be she is just allergic to the visiting children. No wonder their names come top of the list in Santa’s celestial “Bumper Book of Bitter Bastards”.  Enter a visiting Angel named Claude (voiced by Bryan Pilkington), embodied in the form of the twinkling Christmas fairy that sits atop the tree. His task, so he says, is to help the couple find their missing festive spirit. But Claude is not quite who he seems. For a start he speaks in curious riddles. Then there is the fact his angelic voice keeps morphing into the demonic tones of the devil from ‘70s shlock horror movie The Exorcist. The couple’s mission here is not just to rediscover their Christmas mojo, but to get out alive.

Expect comic twists and turns aplenty, panto references, and the bloody reappearance of the missing Darren. There are secrets to be revealed, including the fate of Leyla’s much missed pet who died mysteriously the previous year – let’s call it the curious incident of the dog and the Quality Street. Oh, and that Stanley knife in Santa’s toolbox is going to be very useful. Writer Hampton rarely performs, but with Pete he demonstrates a tremendous gift for comic timing. Marks’ turn as the increasingly indecisive Leyla (“don’t side with the fucking doll” a furious Pete shouts at her) is an utter delight, as is the full throated diabolical presence of Pilkington as Claude.

Writer: Toby Hampton

Director: Matthew Parker